DEAR HUSBAND,

There is no doubt that you are the leader of the home. Allah has made you the head because of your power of logic which is stronger than that of your wives, you are regarded as the guardian of your family. You are fully in charge. Yes you are the leader and your final say should stand.

Imagine yourself as a leader of an association/community, and you just go around making every and any order without giving your followers/members a listening ears, without putting them in consideration before passing a judgment, without leading by an example, without making yourself available for feedback, what will happen to that association you head in such manner? It will surely crumble in your own very eyes.

This tells you, you cannot be a husband and still be a bully. You cannot be a husband and not put your wife’s wishes into consideration. You will not be a good husband when you don’t grant your wives a listening ears. So, Dear Sir, be considerate, be honest, be transparent, lead by example, don’t be a tyrant leader who abuses the power bestowed upon him.

Dear Husband, you are perfectly right I cannot tell you how to control your home; but I can remind you how Islam defines a true leader. To lead your home well, you will need to have some empathy, humility, resilience, vision, influence and positivity. Remember you will be questioned how well you led your home.

You are to guide and not to turn your wives to slaves. A responsible husband should understand that a woman is also a human being like a man. She also has desires and the rights of freedom and life. Marrying a woman is not hiring a servant, but it is a selection of a partner and a friend who would be able to live with for the rest of one’s life. You have to care for her and her desires like you care for yours. You are not the owner of your wife and in fact that woman has certain rights upon you her husband.

Your Lord says:
وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ
“… And women have rights similar to the rights of men in a just manner, and the men have a degree (of advantage) over them…” (2:228).

You cannot treat a free person as a slave. Your wife has married you in order to live with you and to share her life with a man whom she loves. She expects the same things from you as you do from her. Therefore treat her in a manner in which you would like to be treated.

Dear sir! Do not be a bullheaded who always laugh and have fun with people outside and once he gets home, he changes to the face of a wolf. You won’t make a good leader being very determined to do what you want to do, without considering your family’s feelings. This will only make you be a fairly awful listener.

Yes, you will get angry, the childishness of women can be so irritating, but you must controll the anger for a better solution. You might be so frustrated with the usual everyday events of your life that you resemble a time bomb which could explode any time, you just have to understand that we are not in a position and cannot control the affairs of this world. Mishaps, hardships, and sorrowful events are all inseparable parts of this life. Everybody experiences difficulties at different times. As a matter of fact, one can reach maturity through hardship. One must confront them with strength and must try to find solutions to them.

Forget how your father treated your mother. Don’t compare how Umu baqara suffered so much with her husband; you aren’t living in the past and you shouldn’t imbibe such ideologies. Get yourself away from those irrelevant third-party agents.

Dear husband! Why should you look at your wife with a view of finding her faults and why do you place so much importance on her trivial defects? Why do you magnify her deficiencies so much so that it causes suffering for you and your family? Have you ever seen a perfect woman? Are you perfect yourself? What are trivial deficiencies worth that you endanger your marriage for their sake?

Be certain that if you look at your wife with a logical and fair view, you would see many good points about her. You look and see that her merits would outweigh her deficiencies.

Will you be glad if your “beloved” daughter is treated by another man the way you treat your wife? So be lenient when so necessary. Give attention and encourage feedback.

Your wife complained to me how bad you have been treating her; yes, YOU. Don’t manipulate, don’t give excuses, assess yourself and just do the needful.

This is a message to myself and all other husbands out there. May Allah bless our homes with tranquility.

© Ibn Taofeeq Abdul Azeez