A BROKEN HEART 💔

Indeed getting over a lost love is quite a hardship and one can be very confused, emotional and in such pain that they are unable to rationalise the situation without some form of inner or outside help.

In cases of heart broken, some tell the person to “just get over it” etc and is treated quite harshly when this is not at all the way to deal with such heart broken people. If you have experienced how it feels to experience the highest highs of love as well as the lowest of the lows and then to lose it all. You will definitely conclude this harsh treatment almost always comes from those who have not experienced or have no knowledge of the same situation.

So it is better for the person who cannot help but to be harsh, to simply stay silent and leave it to those who will show some compassion and patience.

Knowing fully well that if you are deceiving someone and it harms the other person emotionally, financially and if it is done intentionally and it was your planning, then it is one of the great sins. And if someone puts a wrong, unacceptable, or indecent condition, and tries to pull you emotionally, then your rejection breaks his/her heart then it is not a sin.

Days back a brother came to me narrating the case of a sister who broke his innocent heart. He sacrificed his time, money, emotions and all in the lawful relationship. They were both in love with each other planning to get married. But unfortunately the so called freinds of the brother misinformed the sister’s brothers of his morals which are not true. On knowing this, the sister also went slandering him amidst her family. He got to know all these but still explained the misconceptions to her and they were both moving on. Not knowing the sister was deceiving him and suddenly she cut off the relationship. He felt heart broken.

Those who spread false about others morals and attitudes due to personal issues between them should ponder over the verses of backbitting and slandering. They should ponder over verse 12 of suratu Hujuraat and Qur’an 104 for they are eating the flesh of their dead brother. They should seek forgiveness and repent or else they face their Lord.

Those who believe all claims about others without proper and further investigations should also ponder over verse 6 of Suratu Hujuraat and seek forgiveness from their wrongs. They dislike people for what they heard and not grateful to Allah for not disliking them for what He knows.

So, I said below points to the brother and hope it can help those who are suffering from heart break to understand better their situation and the whirlwind of emotions and then give them the push they need in order to move on and continue with life stronger than they were before.

1: Accepting Allah’s Qadar.

The major point to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations.

Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean he or she is the right person. Allah established this in verse 216 of Baqarah.

Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you.

For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah. Allah established this in verse 216 of Baqarah.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadar(destiny). And no mischievous person should claim “Allah has destined it” while intentionally breaking someone else heart. As you will not drink poison claiming Allah has destined you will die.

2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome.

There was a study conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”.

In other words, they claim being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. Imam Shaafi’i rahimahu Allahu said:
و عين الرضا عن كل عيب كليلة.
“The eyes which love will find it difficult to identify defectiveness.” If you truly love your partner, you will overlook many errors and external interferences will not break such relationship.

So being aware of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits.

Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time In Shaa Allah.

Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw Al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult.

Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

NOTE: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! But you should avoid sins in the process if you are not legally married and if you committed sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

3: Be proactive.

Give yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away.

As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah which marriage is said to be a half way in fulfilling this, so working on your faith and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

4: Move on.

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.”

Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.

وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَيُعَلِّمُكُمُ اللَّهُ وَاللَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ
[.. And fear and be careful of (your duty) to Allah, Allah teaches you, and Allah knows all things.]

8th December, 2019